Hays Travelogue

If Mike wrote this blog, you would be much more entertained. He wrote this letter of recommendation with a disclaimer to the student, “I always tell the truth.” To which the student replied, “That’s what I’m counting on, sir.”

December 11, 2007

Dear Members of the Admissions Committee:

I am an English teacher, so by definition I love irony. Imagine then my glee when Ted asked me for a letter of recommendation on the very day I had thrown him out of class for drawing a penis on my blackboard. Really, life is good in this trade.

Surprisingly, I had actually finished my lesson with his class a few minutes early and was working with a girl on her essay while the other students had some free time. The boys, especially Ted, started shouting, so I hushed them. Loud again, so I hushed them. Then there was quiet. I looked over the girl’s shoulder to witness Ted drawing something like a great, curved flatworm on the chalkboard, curved, robust, and eyeless. Then with a reach of his finger, he opened a small vent at the tip of drawing, adding a dash of realism to his boyish fantasy. Ah, not a worm, it was an erect penis, stylized in the manner of public bathroom galleries, compensated for in grandeur what it lacked in originality.

The mind can be quick in these moments, and as he reached along the profile of the phallus to its tip to create the urethral opening, I reflected on the manner in which Ted himself had vented in our class, often ejaculatory, sometimes excretal. He is a smart boy and is usually able to answer any question I put to him, often with the pressured speech of a child eager to impress. Just as often, though, he is merely clever in his contributions, and then too clever by a half.

Viewing the phallus over the shoulder of this girl, I barked at Ted. “Get out of my class. Now.” With the swipe of his hand, the penis lost some of its enthusiasm, and with another wipe, it was reduced to a memory. The wounded artist left, bewildered.

Five minutes later, he returned with an apology and a codicil: some of the noise had not been his fault. Five minutes later, he returned with a common application form and a request for a letter.

Here is his requested letter. Ted has wasted a good deal of my time, and now he is making the same offer to you.

Sincerely,

MH